Funny ones
All in the way you measure
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non officer grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my penis to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back.
My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied . . "Vietnam...."
Lost Chapter of Genesis
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history...
An Elderly Gentleman
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist asked, "How many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes
A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.
The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?" The nun agrees and shows him her breasts. "May I touch them?" The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are.
The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours?
The priest drops his drawers. "May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection.
The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!"
"Is that right" the nun replies? "Yes." "Then why don't you stick it up that camels butt and lets get the heck out of here!"
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non officer grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my penis to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back.
My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied . . "Vietnam...."
Lost Chapter of Genesis
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history...
An Elderly Gentleman
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist asked, "How many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes
A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.
The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?" The nun agrees and shows him her breasts. "May I touch them?" The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are.
The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours?
The priest drops his drawers. "May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection.
The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!"
"Is that right" the nun replies? "Yes." "Then why don't you stick it up that camels butt and lets get the heck out of here!"
File Allegati