Premature Ejaculation*
During insertion.............................2 calories
During intercourse.........................5 calories
approx.. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion,
which ever comes first
During foreplay.............................3 calories
Immature ejaculation.....................4 calories
similar to premature ejaculation except male
acts childish and throws a tantrum
*Often caused by an inability to do things right.
Consequences of Premature Ejaculation
Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the footy on the tv.
For Woman
Frustration..........................................8 calories
Anger.................................................15 calories
Violent mood swing...........................20 calories
Suppressing rage................................25 calories
Not suppressing anger........................65 calories
in extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks,
and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.
For Men
Cursing..............................................10 calories
Apologising.......................................3 calories
Snivelling..........................................5 calories
Pleading for mercy............................8 calories
Begging for another chance...............15 calories
Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 sec's of sex.
Possible Side Effects of Good Sex
The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:
Swooning.........................6 calories
Palpitations......................10 calories
Shortness of breath..........5 calories
Perspiring........................8 calories
Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex
A less-than-sunny desposition........1 calorie
Recovering
Un-entwining............................................3 calories
Regaining motor control of pevis.............7 calories
After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist
to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk ( put one foot
in front of the other), which will seriously impair your chances of going
to the bathroom or getting a juice.
Standing up...............................................9 calories
Getting some juice....................................11 calories
Rolling Over and Going to Sleep
After intercourse............18 calories
Classic behavior for shiftless men who believe they've done their job
and are now entitled to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.
During intercourse.........32 calories
Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.
During foreplay.............12 calories
Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.
Trying Again
If the woman is ready...........5 calories
If the man is not....................156 calories
Dreaming
Regular dream.................2 calories
Wet Dream......................16 calories
Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
Add 20 calories if your partner notices
Wet Trance......................20 calories
Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist
Group Sex
Introducing yourself.....................3 calories
Overcoming shyness....................8 calories
Swapping partners
Willingly.................................4 calories
Unwillingly.............................62 calories
Jealousy......................................16 calories
Partner having more fun than you are
Mixed doubles............................26 calories
Being nice to everyone...............100 calories
Anger..........................................10 calories
You suddenly realise that you're wanted for you body and not your mind.
Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.
Finding your clothes....................5 calories
Masturbation
For pleasure only...................................6 calories
For exercise, too....................................10 calories
For relief from tension...........................12 calories
To pass the time.....................................7 calories
To avoid overeating...............................16 calories
To get in touch with inner self...............10 calories
To get in touch with outter self..............10 1/4 calories
To avoid insanity..................................24 calories
To avoid spending money on a date......9 calories
In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping and binge's, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.
Using
Your hand(s):
Regular way......................................11 calories
Your finger(s)...................................9 calories
Tweezers..............................................2 calories
An inflatable doll.................................24 calories
Any fruit or vegetable..........................19 calories
except watermelon or a sprig of parsley
A vibrator:
Hand-operated.................................12 calories
Windup............................................9 calories
Electric............................................5 calories
Anything not mentioned here.................50 calories
In a pornographic movie theater
Purchasing the ticket.........................2 1/2 calories
Finding isolated seat.........................78 calories
Adjusting raincoat.............................3 calories
Typical Sex-Related Fears
Partner hates me for what I did............................4 calories
Partner hates me for what I didnt do....................8 calories
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual.......10 calories
Climaxing too soon.............................................5 calories
Climaxing too late...............................................6 calories
Not climaxing......................................................20 calories
Partner thinks of me as a sex object.....................9 calories
Partner doesnt think of me as a sex object...........47 calories
Partner will neglect to administer last rites
should I not recover from orgasm......................88 calories
Personal Fears
Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm....6 calories
Stretch marks that look like a plowed field........................8 calories
Penis envy.........................................................................72 calories
Body odor of a disgruntled yak..........................................25 calories
Getting Caught
By partner's spouse.........60 calories
By your spouse................60 1/2 calories
Trying to explain.............165 calories
Stuttering.........................28 calories
Throwing-up...................40 calories
Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed
Almost Getting Caught
Trying to remain calm...........................100 calories
Fright (includes trembling)...................66 calories
Leaping out of bed................................25 calories
Getting dressed in one large motion.....300 calories
Thanking partner quickly......................2 calories
Jumping out of window........................15 calories
add 5 calories if window wasnt open
Landing................................................1 calorie
Running very fast.................................50 calories
During insertion.............................2 calories
During intercourse.........................5 calories
approx.. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion,
which ever comes first
During foreplay.............................3 calories
Immature ejaculation.....................4 calories
similar to premature ejaculation except male
acts childish and throws a tantrum
*Often caused by an inability to do things right.
Consequences of Premature Ejaculation
Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the footy on the tv.
For Woman
Frustration..........................................8 calories
Anger.................................................15 calories
Violent mood swing...........................20 calories
Suppressing rage................................25 calories
Not suppressing anger........................65 calories
in extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks,
and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.
For Men
Cursing..............................................10 calories
Apologising.......................................3 calories
Snivelling..........................................5 calories
Pleading for mercy............................8 calories
Begging for another chance...............15 calories
Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 sec's of sex.
Possible Side Effects of Good Sex
The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:
Swooning.........................6 calories
Palpitations......................10 calories
Shortness of breath..........5 calories
Perspiring........................8 calories
Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex
A less-than-sunny desposition........1 calorie
Recovering
Un-entwining............................................3 calories
Regaining motor control of pevis.............7 calories
After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist
to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk ( put one foot
in front of the other), which will seriously impair your chances of going
to the bathroom or getting a juice.
Standing up...............................................9 calories
Getting some juice....................................11 calories
Rolling Over and Going to Sleep
After intercourse............18 calories
Classic behavior for shiftless men who believe they've done their job
and are now entitled to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.
During intercourse.........32 calories
Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.
During foreplay.............12 calories
Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.
Trying Again
If the woman is ready...........5 calories
If the man is not....................156 calories
Dreaming
Regular dream.................2 calories
Wet Dream......................16 calories
Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
Add 20 calories if your partner notices
Wet Trance......................20 calories
Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist
Group Sex
Introducing yourself.....................3 calories
Overcoming shyness....................8 calories
Swapping partners
Willingly.................................4 calories
Unwillingly.............................62 calories
Jealousy......................................16 calories
Partner having more fun than you are
Mixed doubles............................26 calories
Being nice to everyone...............100 calories
Anger..........................................10 calories
You suddenly realise that you're wanted for you body and not your mind.
Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.
Finding your clothes....................5 calories
Masturbation
For pleasure only...................................6 calories
For exercise, too....................................10 calories
For relief from tension...........................12 calories
To pass the time.....................................7 calories
To avoid overeating...............................16 calories
To get in touch with inner self...............10 calories
To get in touch with outter self..............10 1/4 calories
To avoid insanity..................................24 calories
To avoid spending money on a date......9 calories
In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping and binge's, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.
Using
Your hand(s):
Regular way......................................11 calories
Your finger(s)...................................9 calories
Tweezers..............................................2 calories
An inflatable doll.................................24 calories
Any fruit or vegetable..........................19 calories
except watermelon or a sprig of parsley
A vibrator:
Hand-operated.................................12 calories
Windup............................................9 calories
Electric............................................5 calories
Anything not mentioned here.................50 calories
In a pornographic movie theater
Purchasing the ticket.........................2 1/2 calories
Finding isolated seat.........................78 calories
Adjusting raincoat.............................3 calories
Typical Sex-Related Fears
Partner hates me for what I did............................4 calories
Partner hates me for what I didnt do....................8 calories
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual.......10 calories
Climaxing too soon.............................................5 calories
Climaxing too late...............................................6 calories
Not climaxing......................................................20 calories
Partner thinks of me as a sex object.....................9 calories
Partner doesnt think of me as a sex object...........47 calories
Partner will neglect to administer last rites
should I not recover from orgasm......................88 calories
Personal Fears
Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm....6 calories
Stretch marks that look like a plowed field........................8 calories
Penis envy.........................................................................72 calories
Body odor of a disgruntled yak..........................................25 calories
Getting Caught
By partner's spouse.........60 calories
By your spouse................60 1/2 calories
Trying to explain.............165 calories
Stuttering.........................28 calories
Throwing-up...................40 calories
Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed
Almost Getting Caught
Trying to remain calm...........................100 calories
Fright (includes trembling)...................66 calories
Leaping out of bed................................25 calories
Getting dressed in one large motion.....300 calories
Thanking partner quickly......................2 calories
Jumping out of window........................15 calories
add 5 calories if window wasnt open
Landing................................................1 calorie
Running very fast.................................50 calories
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